Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Grief, What Its Like For Me 6 Years Later

Recently Offbeat Families reposted my article about my son on facebook, which lead to me reposting it on my facebook, which lead to a lot of my friends either hearing about it for the first time, or coming to understand what exactly happened. I wrote my story in 2010, and my advice is still accurate: I do prefer sympathy and then moving on. But I thought I'd talk today about how exactly I'm doing, and what life is like for me now.

First of all, I have to express how incredibly blessed I am to have David (my husband, when talking about my son I refer to him as Baby David) in my life. He recently said to me "your burdens are my burdens, don't feel sorry for them, let me help" and I swear I fell in love with him all over again. He is my best friend, and the one person I lean on with my grief; I don't know what I'd do without him.

Most days are like any other day. I go about it normally, sometimes something will make me think of Baby David and I don't feel sad, just nostalgic. And that's that.

But some days are still bad. My grief hits me like a ton of bricks and it comes out of no where. Suddenly I don't know how I can keep doing this, living without him. I cry and cry, yell how it's not fair, bawl my eyes out, sometimes starting a panic attack. David holds me the whole time, comforting me and making me feel not so alone. I hate those days, but I know they're inevitable, and they'll probably always exist.

Some years, I don't visit his grave, it just doesn't dawn on me to do it, nor feel like something I need to do. I don't think thats cold of me, it's just how I deal with it. But sometimes I do, and those visits are so painful. David always comes with me, and we only go at night, so theres no one else around (we're also breaking the cemetery visiting hours rules, but that hasn't been an issue). We bring a mat to sit on, a lantern to see with, his favorite book, and plenty of tissues. The visits always start out simple enough; I tell him whats been going on in my life, what's new with Nana and his Uncle Josh. And then I read to him Guess How Much I Love You, and that's when the tears really start flowing. Even from David, who never got to meet him, cries with me. We talk about how much he's missed, how we wish we could watch him grow. How I hope he'll have a brother or sister in the future. And then after we've gotten all the tears out, we pack up, leave, and try to go back to every day life.

The comments I get when I write about my son don't always sink in on normal days. I'm not feeling the grief, in fact it feels distant to me, so the sympathy feels weird. But on those bad days, thats when I really appreciate your words. They let me know I'm not alone, that people do care, even if they can't understand the pain.

And so I guess that's another reason I'm writing this. Not just to update you on my life, but so I can have a few more encouraging words to look at when I need them. When I have a bad day, and it feels like no one cares or even realizes what I'm going through, it's just...more pain than one should have to feel. And maybe this is selfish of me, asking for your sympathy, I don't know. I just want to make those bad days a little less awful.

So if you leave me a comment here or on facebook and I don't seem very responsive, that just means I'm having a good day. But know that when those bad days happen, I'm going to read them, soak them in, fill me with love, and make the grief just a bit easier to bear.

Thank you.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

My results and Walden Farms reviews

Let me preface this by saying, even though David has lost over 100lbs with Ideal Protein, the fact that I can never lose weight has convinced me that IP wont work for me. But on Wednesday I went in for my weigh-in and the results?

I lost 5lbs!!!

I've never weighed this little! And even though I lost weight I'm still having a hard time believing this will work. If it does though, I'm curious as to when it will finally click for me. But for now I'm just sticking with it, slowly becoming less grumpy as I go on.

I'm still not a fan of vegetables, but I've found that if I cook broccoli and cauliflower till its mushy, then add lemon juice, it's pretty yummy. And David and I are looking into various recipes using zucchini.

So all our Walden Farms stuff arrived! And it ain't too bad. Just a little background info, WF products have zero carbs, and most of the time, zero anything else. You can find them at some grocery stores, but I recommend netrition.com. They have the biggest selection and its way cheaper.

We got Caesar and Italian salad dressing and man oh man I'm so happy we did. I was worried because WF Ranch is pretty awful, but these were great! I'm excited to try the Caesar with chicken and salad, I think that'll be good.

The Chocolate Syrup tastes a little odd but it will totally satisfy your chocolate craving. Plus you can add it into the IP shakes and puddings for extra chocolaty goodness.

The Peanut Butter is a bit meh, since it's not very sweet. But David added it to his vanilla drink and thought it was really good. We're also going to experiment with making a peanut sauce for chicken.

The Honey BBQ is pretty good, so long as you don't use a lot. I dip my chicken in it and love it that way. I'm soooo happy about it!

I've always just learned about brining and oh man, it makes such a difference! I was never a big meat person but having chicken be all moist is awesome.

So, success!

Monday, March 3, 2014

Ideal Protein, another opinion

Welp, I did it guys; I started Ideal Protein. My main reason is that with my fibro, I can't exercise without causing a flare up, and I don't know how to eat not just carbs. And I'd love to lose the 20 lbs I've been carrying for years now. So I started last Monday and my opinion?


Here's the deal: Ideal Protein means you're going to be eating a butt load of veggies, and I absolutely hate veggies. But I knew this going into it, and it's another reason I decided to do it; I'm hoping it will MAKE me like veggies. David, on the other hand, loves vegetables. Always has, that crazy guy. So though the diet has been tough for him because it really limited what he could eat, at least he gets to eat lots of stuff he loves. Me? Now I can't have all the things I love, like cheese, rice, crackers, dark chocolate, bread. So I am much more grumpy about this whole ordeal.

In a way this is probably good for you guys, so you can see how the diet works for different kinds of people. If you already like veggies, IP isn't going to kill you. If you don't, prepare to suffer like me.

Now I could eat veggies if they were, say, covered in ranch dressing, or cheese, or whatever, but obviously that won't work. So we're really experimenting to see what'll get me to eat them. We just placed a big order with Walden Farms, who sell sauces/dips/dressings that work with IP. I've only had their ranch, and though it tastes nothing like ranch and leaves you feeling sad and empty inside, it does make salad eatable. Hopefully the other stuff we order will be good; I plan to talk about them once we get and try them.

I'm also looking into plenty of recipes that combine veggies with the IP packets. Granted, that doesn't really force me to taste the veggies, but at least I'm eating them.

And as a side note, the IP packets really are delicious. I can't complain about them at all (I wish I only had to eat them, that'd be way easier!). If you find you don't like them, experiment with Truvia, temperatures, and textures (we cook the vanilla shake into a pancake, I like to freeze the choc shake, etc).

So it's been a week since I started, and how much weight did I lose?


Ahem. I'm a little tired of snow if you couldn't tell. Anywho, I'll let ya'll know how I do later. I have green beans to cook!

Click here to see David's results and FAQ